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Post by karlee jameson , on Jan 22, 2008 17:15:49 GMT -5
Karlee was, well...she was bored. And certainly not in the mood to be alone, as depressed feeling as she was. She would rather not sit in in dorm room on this lovely Saturday night. So the place that popped into her mind was Marquee. She hadn't been there in a while. Karlee strode up to the bouncer and gave a sly smile, "Now, Paul, would you let me in?" The bouncer eyed her for a bit, and then remembered who she was. "Miss Jameson." He smirked a bit, and put his hand on the small of her back, urging her it was okay to go in. "Thanks." She muttered and moments later was entranced in the beautiful lights and beautiful people.
Karlee slid into an empty bar seat next a guy she remembered from school. "Vincent, right?" She asked him, just as a bartender made his way toward her. "Hi, I'll have a White Russian." Karlee told him, and flashed her fake ID card in front of him. The bartender nodded and walked off.
critique me;
this is my average post. they are usually a little longer, but nonetheless.
you can suggest anything. tell me how good or how horrible i role-play. ways i can improve would be amazing!
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Post by Marshall Suijen on Jan 22, 2008 23:23:43 GMT -5
I think you roleplay pretty well. The one thing that stuck out to me was this sentence.
I think it would sound better as 'And certainly not in the mood to be alone, feeling as depressed as she was.' But hey, that's no big deal. Just a grammatical issue. I make those too, which makes me feel like a bit of a hypocrit mentioning it in the first place.
Other than that, it looks pretty good. It may be short, but it still manages to convey quite a bit of detail. Plus I like your wording. It's fun.
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Post by karlee jameson , on Jan 23, 2008 23:44:43 GMT -5
Thanks!
I always have a hard time with wording. Well, its makes perfect sense to me. But, try telling that to my English teachers. Heh.
& thanks for pointing my error out for me. it's another wording thing, really. |
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Post by Marshall Suijen on Jan 24, 2008 0:07:55 GMT -5
Eh, English teachers are always hard on their students. I guess it's kind of their job. I remember my creative writing teacher from my sophomore year...we had weekly fiction writing assignments, and they were worth 30 points. He rarely EVER handed out 30s. He read one of the 30s out loud before and it was completely and utterly fantastic. I was thrilled when I got a 29 on one of my assignments. XD
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